He spends too much money on football tickets, even though he knows it drives her crazy. She continues to leave every light on in the house, day after day, even though he asks her to turn them off. Many couples find themselves arguing about everything, big and small, over and over again. These aren’t deal breaker issues – they’re not the kind of things that lead to a split — but little things can build into a perception of “mountains” and cause a heap of trouble for a relationship. Plus, bickering is exhausting and unpleasant. Let’s face it, nobody wants to be one of those couples, and certainly no one wants be around one — at least not for long.
Why is it that some couples are always arguing and others seem blissfully content with their partners? While every relationship is unique, it’s inevitable that in each and every couple will get on one another’s nerves, no matter how long they’ve been together or how much they love each other. Once you understand that, the problems and annoyances that arise can be put in the proper perspective.
One of the biggest myths about relationships is that they are a 50/50 proposition. He puts in 50-percent of the work and so does she. Each party should take half the responsibility for making the relationship work. Sounds fair, right? But the problem is that you really can’t define what or where that halfway mark is because it’s subjective. If you’re not willing to put in more than 50-percent to a relationship, you’ll likely put in less – just to be sure you’re not being taken advantage of. If two people give less than 50-percent it’s not a healthy relationship.
How much should you put in? How do you know when you’re putting in enough? Or too much? For the average couple, the division varies at any given time. And an amazing thing happens when one person gives more than 50-percent. Invariably, instead of the other person giving less, he or she responds in kind, and also ups the ante and both partners are giving more. When you stop being scorekeepers you get two people who are putting the other first – at least some of the time.
If disagreements and annoyances are inevitable in relationships, why do the non-fighting couples seem to get along so well? The answer is, that while conflict is inevitable, it’s also resolvable. Change is also inevitable. Relationships become stagnant unless they grow and morph. But while change can sometimes be unpredictable, there are some things about it that remain constant. One of them is that you can’t change your partner. Realize the only person you can change is yourself and spend your time and energy accordingly. You can change how you react to a situation or you can decide that you are just going to accept it-– or not.
How you choose to deal with your conflicts is what determines whether you have a happy relationship or not. And who doesn’t want that?
About the author of this article:
everett christensen has spent more than 45 years analyzing and evaluating the development of interpersonal relationships. take his relationship quiz at http://www.dillstreetpress.com/quiz.htm. christensen is the author of “60-40 or fight: how to get along with someone besides yourself.”
